i could feel a difference in this letter. it isnt like anyother pieces you have submitted. the style was different...
ok, now seriously some critiquing. when i read it, it didnt flow all that well, some parts were not quite forced.. rather heavily worded. i would assume a letter like such would be more softer with the words, but the emotions still undiluted.

it had a rocky start and for the first four paragraphs, it was lengthy and very heavy. for example, "Your eyes are closed, and for once, not on me." was subtle and smooth, but in the next sentence "contemplated" seems a little out of place. you also might want to break up that long sentence and maybe alter it to form two descriptive ones or seperate it with one of these ";".
the end however was very well done, "you needed only cut me once, love, to teach me how to bleed."

similar (i dont want to call it problems) situations with the third and the fourth.

but the end, the last paragraph.. was absolute love. it was briliant. "I’m going to start this day, love, and I will make sure those eyes remain closed for yet another day."
there is a darkness in those line i couldnt help smiling at. but it was briliant.. a fitting ending.
so work on it, and i am sure it will land on my favourites list very soon.

Thanks for reading as closely as you did Aananta, your critique is quite appreciated. I do not get enough of helpful comments like this. I will make the amendments in due time (which will be by the end of the week )

I believe the piece is a bit too verbose in places too. It escaped me in places, while in a lot of other places it was actually done on purpose. I failed at creating a character, I believe. The man isn't quite sane. You can tell he enjoys the sound of himself speaking, that's why he's writing a letter that needs not be written (his wife is already dead). That's why, even though it's just a letter, he's trying his best to make it somewhat poetic.

But I totally understand what you mean by a rocky start, and I will look into it. I just reread the piece and I feel that most lines stand out on their own, but together the piece doesn't flow. I'm glad you pointed some of the things out, I need to rework on this. Shorter pieces often go ignored because of the brevity of them.

I'm going to let you know of the changes I make. Thanks again

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I never really make much of a comment, but this inspires me to do so.

There's some serious wordplay going on here dude. I was thinking along the same lines as the other dude, ~aananta , but then your explanation about the usage of the heavy words do ring home, and make me read this poem in a whole different light. I must confess, I didn't even understand the girl was dead until I read it a second time but as you already know, you won't have the comments to clear up confusions, when a real reader is reading your real published writing, you'll only have your words in your story. Sometimes your stuff does seem a bit too verbose, and trying to be too clever. Or maybe I'm just dumb
I do not know about a rocky start. The first line I believe is exquisite, green and gold works as a magnificent alliteration. And you have some skills with words! Man, like-mindedly lazy lacerations littered liberally under a thin skein of sore skin seriously fucked my tongue up
But I have a problem with the same paragraph. Just reread it yourself and you'll see, just a general tense consistency is there, barely, but to an average reader, browsing through this, it'll fall short. And not many people would bother reading it twice, thrice, and a fourth time just to understand the tense in which you were speaking (there's no mistake, it's correct, but please ease up on the cleverness a bit).
as a pond between two mountains reflecting only the shadows of ghost fishes and make-believe sprints that's extreme stuff dudette I have about two different meanings for that line right there, and I don't care if both are misinterpretations because they're both pretty darned awesome. And it makes me feel a bit silly by now that I didn't know the girl was dead. You were hinting all the fuck along! ghost fishes! Should have seen that one.
It's all excellently done and all, but here's the main problem I have with the poem. But like a bird in migration, my life is taking a route I have to be in control of. A route you, my love, cannot be allowed to jeopardize. Get rid of the fucking line. Do something about it. It's way out of place. I can't explain it, but it's just out of place. What bird? What migration? It's not an unusual metaphor, God knows I love those. It's just a fucked metaphor. Rephrase somehow, seriously, and I'm going to love you long time
A blooming rose looks more beautiful in midnight’s mist than in midday’s shine that line packs some serious power! I'm in love with it. No kidding, you've outdone yourself with that line. And this isn't even poetry. Do I smell a bit of Kahlil Gibran in that? What I like about your writing is right here, you so superbly combined styles of Gibran, Poe, and your own voice... so perfectly.
I just wish this piece didn't give me such mixed feelings. I absolutely want to marry a few parts of it, but the other parts are just one-night stands. But don't feel bad, I'm quite picky about my one-night stands If you rework on it, I honestly think you can make some good shit out of it. Good luck man, talk on yahoo!


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- Master's Apprentice

Must be my lucky day critique-wise

Thanks a lot Shareen. I wasn't talking to you, you see, but your critique made me get slightly less annoyed at you so here I am. I can't go on yahoo now. I'm hooked on this avatar show thing lol, I'll go watch it and then sleep. Talk tomorrow morning. Be there, I'll come before I leave for work. We'll discuss this. How about we edit this together, you and I? You're the only good collaboration I've had, writing-wise. We're doing this.

Goddamn I wish I hadn't submitted this just yet =/ Tasfia might end up reading it, and you guys are pointing out so many problems with the piece ! And if I don't have my writing, then what the fuck else do I have going for me? I haven't written anything good in ages as it is; it really makes me insecure you know.

And don't talk about one-night stands. I know you. You're a wench to your dominating boyfriend. You got some nerve talking about one-night stands! You wouldn't dare! You're so afraid of the dickwad!

Leave me an email about how the concert went. Videos now!

We shall commence our conversation tomorrow, at high noon. Be present.

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[link] my last.fm

Yay we're doing this! I had something on mind, will tell you more about it soon. It hit me the other day while reading some quality Simon Armitage

and, you just said Shareen

Don't worry about Tasfia, I'm sure she'll love you despite your horrible writing Why is your dA getting so Tasfia-oriented? sorry!

The concert went famously. But bad news for me, will email you right nao! You better email me back too, you never do!

And high noon it is. I shall be present, Sir Louis

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- Master's Apprentice

Yes that's right, I said Shareen! I just exposed your identity to the internets! Korbi ta ki beti bol!

Can't wait to hear about your Simon Armitage induced epiphany, if I may call it that Write about it in the email. And you know I don't reply to emails. That's just not my style. That's how I roll. Murderface ain't got no time writing no emails

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[link] my last.fm

Na bhaijan ar kicchui korar thaklo na. Amar naam'ta shesh porjonto dilen apni faash korei. Parlen apni aita korte?

I'm going to read Simon Armitage while having sex. It's in my future I swear.

And fuck you, I bet you'd reply to the email if it was from your beloved dollface.

You bitchface.

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- Master's Apprentice

But that'd be a different case all together I wouldn't be Murderface then. I'd be Ahsan. Ahsan- always replies to emails... promptly! Murderface to you though. Murderface to you.

Now shut the fuck up. I'm going to sleep. You kept me up long enough, I'm having to go straight to bed now. =/

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[link] my last.fm

you are very welcome sajid..
a confession to you though, it is your shorter peices that fascinate me most. its just that you can put in sooo much emotion on so little words.. it intruiges me. it really does. for a man like me who lives on words alone.. it is quite amazing. expecially your micro fictions.

you have inspired me to write some too, non however turned out attention worthy. 'cept for one..

"for dark lust,
her ebony hair, and those dreamy eyes...
i am an accursed romantic."

ooh and about the letter again.. i just knew there was a dark twist in it.. i felt it in his last words.